No Direction

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote on here. I decided to just make the time and space for it. I have no real direction on where this is going to go or be about, but here we go anyway.

All in all, life has been pretty good. Ian recently had his routine follow up MRI and oncology appointment. We did get good news that the tumors are stable- no growth, no progression, and the same size as before. The only slight concern was the fact that the dye contrast enhancement has increased, meaning the tumors were brighter on the images. Our doctor said they are taught to ignore this and to focus on the overall size of the tumors, but he did mention reaching out to an expert in Ian’s tumor and mutation type to be sure. The mutation that he has, FGFR1, has been known to cause bleeding in tumors, which is the issue we had 2 years ago with the hemorrhage. While there are no signs that there is any bleeding, it does seem that the tumors are agitated, and we aren’t quite sure why. However, Ian’s health has been overall stable, he’s been having a really great school year, and we are just so blessed in so many different areas of our life, so these are the pieces we are trying to focus on.

The things that seem to be not so good are more internal battles within myself.

If I feel like someone’s mood or attitude has slightly shifted in anyway, I automatically take it personally. It could have nothing to do with me. Everyone has bad days, and I know that, but I am such an empath to my core. I can feel every emotion, and I internalize it greatly. I’m still learning how to not do this.

But sometimes these feelings are true. And sometimes I do make people angry or upset with me. Sometimes I’m in the wrong. Sometimes I’m not. Learning the difference between the two has brought so much peace to my life. Certain feelings and attitudes on certain situations or people are simply just not mine to carry. I have my own weight to support- I cannot carry any additional loads, or I will be crushed underneath of it all. And I can’t risk doing that to myself or my children.

I’m learning to not chase after people who don’t make the effort to have me in their life. This one has been a hard one to learn. I strived my whole life trying to be loved. Unlearning this habit, this pattern, has proven to be harder than I imagined. It’s comfortable, it’s familiar, it’s habitual. This makes it hard to break because it’s been sort of a crutch of mine for so long. But I’m learning how to stand without it. I’m learning how to love myself. And how to not beg for someone to want me in their life. If someone’s love towards me is conditional, I don’t want it.

Love isn’t conditional. I’m made to feel like I’m not enough if I don’t do exactly what someone wants me to do. Why should I bend and twist until I’m broken in a million little pieces? I can’t keep drowning myself to save people who don’t even want to save themselves.

I’m just so sick and tired of not feeling good enough for people. I have worked too damn hard on loving myself to fall to my knees and beg for people to stay in my life. That’s on them, now. I would bend over backwards for the people I love. I know what I offer and what I bring to the table in all the relationships in my life. If that’s not enough, if I’m not enough, you can see your way out the door. I have too much going on to waste time on people who simply aren’t my people.

My life is already complicated without purposeful complications. It’s funny- I grew so used to my life being chaotic that when I had moments of peace, it didn’t feel right. I thought something was missing. Or it felt “boring.” And it seemed to be in these moments that I would cause my own chaos. I was searching for a “high” in all the wrong places. That was me before Ian’s brain injury. Now, those things that once gave me that rush, the dopamine hit, they now cause my body to feel anxious. Almost in a survival type mode. Being able to take a step back from situations, people, and things, I’m now able to sense the difference. My body welcomes the “boring” because I now recognize it as peace. And that’s what we call healing.

Life is hard. Everyone has a battle that we don’t know about it. It costs you nothing to just be kind to people.

Surround yourself with good people, find your circle, and just love.